You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
