I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
