Little spoons don't ask big questions
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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