so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
