your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
