my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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