Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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