Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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