I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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