The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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