Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
