When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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