dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
