Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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