Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize