rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
