end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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