I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
