I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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