I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
ok first of all what the fuck
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
