When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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