My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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