The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
