I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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