you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
