When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
