so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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