We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
