Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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