I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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