Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
