I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
