Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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