I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
