Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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