woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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