The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
