I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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