She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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