why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
