how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
