Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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