Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
