Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize