Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
