Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
