she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
