It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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