I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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