Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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