Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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