whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
