The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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