I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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