dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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