I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
So squirting runs in the family.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
