i jhust puked up my retainher.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
