Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
