She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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