i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
