he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
