two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize