I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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