I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
