No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
