mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I think I sprained my soul last night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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