I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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